


rubber band

by pastelcosmos



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 05:20:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17574653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pastelcosmos/pseuds/pastelcosmos
Summary: based on clean bandit's Baby m/v.





	rubber band

title: rubber band  
inspired by:  
clean bandit's baby   
little mix's think about us  
pairing:   
murphy × peña   
carillo × peña

he had been in this position once, nearly two decades ago, really but one thing that's certain is that it hadn't felt like this then. young, in his mid twenties, nervous, immature, javier had been flighty as he stood there getting his suit fixed only to eventually stand his bride up at the altar. it truly was not one of his proudest moment, even though she had forgiven him, years later. 

now as he stares at his own reflection in the mirror, at forty years old and finally settling down, he doesn't feel any more certain than he is at the moment. instead of being worried like he was more than ten years ago, javi feels confident. he's certainly happy and he's marrying the perfect man and all those talks of building a family together makes him happy, excited, like he was young again. young but also in love, motivated, with reason. he wishes he had found this version of himself earlier. 

in a few hours from now, he would be someone's husband, although the fact that he would later be called javier carrillo makes him cringe in a funny way. it's odd; he'd always thought horacio would take up his name instead. no, it doesn't really matter but if anyone else had seen the way horacio smiled at the possibility of javi being a carrillo? they'd understand. 

“peña, how much longer are you gonna take in there? not gonna bail again, are you?” berna is asking as he knocks loudly at the door and javi rolls his eyes at the mockery. he isnt offended of course; he had known berna for years. 

opening the door, he flashes the older man a smile before running his palms down the front of his suit. “how'd i look?”

“old,” berna says, teasing before he laughs and pats at javi's shoulder. “but happy. get out there. it's starting soon.”

javi is grinning now, ignoring berna's mean comment as he exhales loudly. it's a small event and only a few of their friends are invited, most of the guests being family instead. and honestly, javi just wants to get it over with. when he does step out into the garden where they had set up the tent, altar, the seats, he sees horacio looking just as impatient and he knows his fiance is thinking the same thing; get this over with so they could get the time to themselves. it makes him want to laugh.

“hey,” he says with a smile as he steps onto the altar, emitting a soft laugh when horacio chuckled at him and replied with a fist bump. their officiant clears his throat and javi and horacio had to hold themselves back from laughing. it's really time.

the officiant, the man he's known several years now, hums and begins to recite the words as the crowd quietens to witness this special moment. javi himself is listening, although he's staring at horacio and trying to believe the fact that the man before him is the man he will spend the rest of his life with.

movements to his right catches his attention and this is weird because in all the stories he had heard from his friends and family and movies, he isn't supposed to be aware of anything beyond the two of them. yet so easily he's distracted, so easily he's aware of his surroundings, of the eyes that watch them and horacio's sweaty hands in his own and the man who had just arrived at the event. 

he takes up the first seat of the last row, suit up and presentable, all 6’2ft and alone. for a brief second, their gazes meet and javi would recognize those pair of blue, blue eyes anywhere.

twelve years he spent with that man. steve, his name is, and javier had been so, so in love with him. 

they met a couple weeks after javi left his bride, hopping from one motel to another, too embarrassed to face his family and knowing they were mad pissed at him for the stunt he pulled. steve murphy had been kind and a gentleman, a rational man who complemented his irrational ways and always, always the one who had saved javi from the problems he brought upon himself. at some point in the years that they were together, javi had lived with steve in his small home back in kentucky. it was an unspoken connection, a relationship with no labels but they had belonged to each other. javi doesn't quite know what went wrong.

perhaps it is the very reason he wishes he was the man he is now before they broke apart. 

steve looks great, as always, in his own navy suit and black shoes, hair styled up the way he usually does it whenever he had to go to a formal event. and he had ditched his necktie, just like the steve murphy javier knew. he flashes javi his smile and for the first time in forever, javi feels the way he had the last time he was to be wed.

he inhales, long and hard, before he returns the smile, brief and curt as he turns back to his future husband. horacio is no longer smiling and javi knows he had seen steve as well. he wishes the ground would swallow him whole, he wishes he could disappear, wishes he could go back three years and stop steve from slipping right between his fingers and give him a reason to stay. 

horacio clears his throat and it's only then that javi realizes that his lover is about to recite his vows. he panics; he hadn't written his, confident that he would be able to wing it because horacio makes him feel all the things he had never felt before and trying to put his words on paper had felt less sincere. but now as he listens to each promise horacio is making, all javi could think about was what would he say if it was steve that stood before him? would he be smiling? would he be able to say all the words without reading off a piece of paper?

it saddens him that there is no doubt that he would. horacio might have made him feel all the emotions he never had before but steve had shown him what happiness is and it was steve that had taken it away with him. 

he wants to both stranggle and thank steve for coming to witness his special day. even though they were no longer anything to each other he had chosen to come. javi wonders if it pains steve to watch now or if he felt nothing at all. he wonders if steve wishes he hadn't walked away three years ago, wonders if his heart is breaking the way javi thinks his would if he was the one watching steve tie his soul to another’s.

clenching his jaw, javi blinks back the tears that had sprung into his eyes, whether for the thoughts that had run through his mind or horacio's eternal promises, he isn't sure. meeting his fiance’s gaze, javi flashes his most genuine smile and then it was his turn to return the promises, tell horacio that they are in this together. he takes a long moment, a deep inhale before he turns his head to see steve.

even from this distance, javi could see the sadness in steve's crystal blue eyes, could see the way his jaws clench the way they do whenever he tries to hold back his emotions but nothing could ever, ever fool javi with how there are red ringlets around steve's eyes that only meant he would spill those tears any second. horacio takes his hand and squeezes as if he's asking a question. but what is he asking, really? is he asking javi to choose?

he clenches his jaw and looks straight into horacio's eyes and for very long seconds, javi thinks. but the answer is right in front of him, had always been. steve will always be the one who got away and his future stands with the man before him. he dips his head then but he squeezes horacio's hand in response. his voice doesnt falter as he spills his vows and the boisterous applaud that came as soon as they were announced married did nothing to tune out the way his heart races against his chest. 

his decision was made the moment horacio had proposed and he had said yes, even though he knows with his entire heart that steve would always be the love of his life. 

 

the reception had truly been a blur of people congratulating them, their first dance and toasts. at some point he gets separated from horacio when his husband gets pulled away towards his side of the family. and steve must have waited for this moment to approach him. 

it's weird really; before they would fall into an easy, casual conversation but now he could feel the heavy tension between them even though steve tries hard to make it seem normal. he has a smile on his face, a glass of wine in his hand and he looks exhausted as he leans next to javi.

“so like, will we get to see baby carrillos?” steve teases, his tone light as he bumps javi's arm with his elbow. “get girls, they're amazing.”

“and you'd know that because?” javi snickers. he has a single cancer stick lit between his fingers and he smells like smoke mixed with cologne and wine, he’s had so much wine. 

steve laughs, “okay, boys are just as amazing but i know because my sister gave birth to one.”

“she did? that's really good. she's always wanted a kid.” javi comments, remembering steve's younger sister who he had gotten along quite well with in the time he had spent in kentucky. she was three months married when things with steve had gone to shit.

they were silent for a moment; javi takes a long drag of his cigarette and steve's staring into his drink. when he speaks, his voice is soft. “she turned three a week ago. olivia,” he chuckles, taking a sip of his drink. “precious little thing.”

javi doesn't really know what to say. to say things don't feel different would be a complete lie because everything is different now. steve certainly looks and feel different. after a much longer silence, steve clears his throat as he places his glass down. 

“think i might have to get back if i wanna catch my flight tomorrow,” he mumbles, low and quiet, as if he's afraid his voice would tremble. “congratulations, javi.”

he had to ask, really, because it would eat at him for the rest of his life. “who invited you, steve?”

steve smiles and he gestures over behind javi, and true enough, it was horacio. javi should've known. “im glad he did,” steve says, stealing his attention once again. “i wouldn't miss it for the world.”

sure, it's different now, but it feels like three years ago all over again and steve is walking away like he once did. javi clenches his jaw but even that couldn't stop his next words. “are you leaving again?”

the taller of the two pauses even before he fully turned to walk away and his smile is so, so sad it breaks javi's heart. “id love to stay, javi. i just can't. i don't think i can. i think we both know who had always been the stronger one between us and it isn't me. don't get me wrong, though, im happy for you.”

javi's nodding his head, trying to let the words sink in, trying his best not to beg steve to stay like he should have when he left the first time. “thanks, for coming.” is all he says and when he meets steve's eyes again, there were a dull, old blue despite the smile that stretches at his lips. 

“c'mere,” steve mutters and javi doesn't get to process it when the taller man closes the gap between them and pulled him into a long, tight embrace. his own arms come up to curl around steve's broader, taller frame and he squeezes, holds him as close to his chest as he could. it's warm and familiar and it feels like goodbye.

they stay like that for what felt like hours and he doesn't want to let go, knowing he would never be in steve's arms again. steve, although he had always been the firmer one between them, feels small in his arms; shaking, vulnerable and javi could hear the way his breathing trembles. when he pulls away, it's with a sniffle and he's wiping at his eyes, red-rimmed and wet and javi swears the last time steve had been this wrought was when his father had passed away. 

“hey,” steve is saying, plastering a smile on his face when horacio joins them. javi is silent, watching. steve's and horacio's hands clasp for a firm shake and steve is clearing his throat. “congratulations, you two.”

“thank you, steve,” horacio says, a hand placed over the small of javi's back, protective. “i hope you enjoyed the reception. you wont be staying?”

steve is quick to shake his head, “ah, no, no. thank you, though. i had a good time. but i uh, gotta get back. i have a super early flight tomorrow.”

horacio keeps his smile as he nods and for the last time, javi meets steve's eyes. the latter raises a hand as if to wave them goodbye and then he finally turns, walking away for the final time. javi stood there and watches until his car disappeared and horacio stood next to him, waiting.

it's odd, really; his heart feels like it's shattered twice as many pieces as it had the first time steve left and still he doesn't find it in him to shed a tear. horacio's hand slips into his and squeezes so he returns it, flashes his husband a smile and promises himself that this would be the last time steve murphy breaks his heart.


End file.
